One Paragraph Review: Heavy Rain

by Elliot page

Heavy Rain is not so much a videogame as it is an exquisitely cruel prank. Suckers, like myself, drawn towards the siren song of “Interactive Fiction” and “Reactive Storytelling” will be given a hearty kick to the groin by designer David Cage, et al. The game dares you to enjoy it, giving flashes of brilliance obscured by a parade of bullshit. Character models sit right in the trough of the uncanny valley, twitching as if their flesh was primed to explode. Their voices are poorly scripted, discordant rasps inciting the sucker to heights of rage. Every action is obscenely unwieldy and takes thrice the time it rightfully should, drawing the pain out yet further. Finally, the story feels uninspired, tarnishing the one thing that could make these sins bearable. I want to walk away from Heavy Rain, and to do so I have to hold R2.